I am a daughter of the Women's Movement.
I grew up with Ms. Magazine around the house, and even once sent in an ad I found offensive for their "No Comment" section. (I think I was offended that they linked smoking with being an empowered woman). I was the perfect age for "Free to Be...You and Me." (Mommies are people...people with children...) It was assumed I would go to college and launch a profession. The constant message I heard was that I COULD DO ANYTHING!
Then life happened.
I did go to college, but, unfortunately, received a degree that just doesn't launch into a career without a lot more schooling. (BA in psychology, right up there with English in my book!) Instead of grad school I got my MRS degree. The incredible Mr. Tom is worth it.
I finally stumbled into something of a career path when I took the job of legal assistant at a local Social Security Disability law firm. That job, unfortunately, coincided with the beginning of the motherhood phase. No problem, right?
To be truthful, I really don't think I would have been a good full-time mom, especially not in those days. I took 3 months off from work with each baby, was lucky enough to have an excellent childcare provider down the street, and I didn't find returning to work traumatic. In fact, I looked forward to it. They (the children) were happy where they were, and I was happy where I was. I needed the human contact and status that the job gave me.
For a brief shining moment I seemed to have it all, but all it gave me was something of a breakdown. My job would suffer if a child got sick, didn't sleep well, or had a special school event. And the house, never really known to be spotless, was a wreck. I was a wreck. It was the classic situation of trying to do two jobs, neither one very well. I mean, I probably did OK, but it was stressful! I quickly realized that "having it all" really meant being able to delegate chunks of one's life: day-to-day child rearing (which I really had no problem with, emotionally), and/or housekeeping, which I couldn't afford to outsource. I've come to appreciate that the lion's share of professional women (A kinda funny-sounding phrase. What does that make me, an amateur woman?) who are successful and happy have nannies and housekeepers. I had neither.
Through a process really too long to go into here, I gradually made the shift to homemaker/at-home mom, ironically after my children were both in grade school. (Such timing!) While commenting on one of my blog entries, Chuck A. commented on his time spent as stay-at-home dad, and how it was strangely unsatisfying to which I say AMEN, BROTHER!
Keeping house and parenting are, as Chuck pointed out, exhausting. Mainly because it's never ending. Laundry and dishes remind me of Sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill - no sooner is it done when more comes rolling back. And is there any way to scrub a tub that is not back-breaking? And, I'm sorry, living creates clutter. It just does.
Even worse, I think, is the boredom, which is my undoing. I crave intellectual stimulation, and listening to NPR every day can only do so much. There is nothing inherently interesting in scrubbing the floor, although I do find vacuuming to be kinda Zen since it does such a good job of shutting out the outside world. Oh, sure, there is reading and crossword puzzles and such, but add a young child or two and that becomes fairly impossible. Even worse is the repetitive activity phase in which a small child takes great delight in repeating the same mundane task over and over (i.e. pretend trick-or-treating, pretend checking out at the grocery store) until one's brain is screaming for mercy.
And then, if these things aren't enough to make the homemaking/parenting job unsatisfying, then serve-up a heaping helping of good old-fashioned guilt and lack of status on the side. I am woman, remember? Hear me roar? I had pioneers before me who broke down walls and threw themselves against the glass ceiling so that I didn't have to stay home. But I am staying home, and it feels a bit like I'm letting my sisters down.
But why is that? Because of the even more fundamental problem that homemaking and nurturing are so seriously undervalued in our society. This attitude is not, I believe, the fault of the women's movement. I believe women were moved to escape from the home because it was a role held in such contempt. Look at early sitcoms. ("Donna Reed," "I Love Lucy," "Mr. Ed"...you know, the good ones). The women are childlike, helpless, and UNBELIEVABLY STUPID. Who wouldn't want to get away from that?
It's ironic that the more hands-on the care, the lower the status the job is accorded. I've heard it said that it's really too bad that nurses and teachers aren't respected and paid like corporate executives or sports stars are. True. But nurses and teachers are social and financial giants compared to nurses aides and babysitters. Aides are considered low-skill and thus poorly paid, attracting people to the job who may not feel they have many other options. Is that the sort of person you want caring for your most basic and private personal needs? Ditto with babysitting. It seems to be a job for the person who can't get a job.
At least when I tell people I do childcare, I do get a lot of people who commend me for doing such important work and think it perfectly acceptable to get paid. (And believe me, it ain't much.) If, however, I were caring for my OWN child and expecting to get paid for it in the form of, say, public assistance, I would be labeled a lazy sponge, even though the work I'd be doing is largely the same.
What is my point?
Well, I call myself a "post-feminist" because by my generation the stereotypes were already crumbling, but we're still defining and re-defining our social roles. I was told I could do it all, but I really couldn't. Not happily. I have a critical voice in my head for being a woman of intellect without professional credentials to show for it. But I've also discovered that homemaker is a crucial role. Somebody really has to do it, or pay someone else to do it for them.
I'm of the school that says we need to reclaim "woman's work" and accord it the respect it deserves. And it doesn't need to be done by a woman, we should be equally supportive of homemaker dads. Each person should be allowed to do as they are best suited.
Free to be...you and me.
