Another birthday.
I'm starting to feel my age. This is sort of a change for me since my actual age, appearance, and behavior generally have not been congruent. At 12 or 13 I could pass for older since, thanks to my elder siblings, I had an old-for-my years mind-set and tastes. I was a Frank Zappa fan in 6th grade for pity's sake!!
By college the young-for-my-age look started to kick in. I once got my hair cut very short and when my boyfriend at the time bought us movie tickets the seller didn't ask, just charged him for one adult, one child. I had to be mistaken for being under 12! And I couldn't venture into an adult establishment without identification.
I think I began to catch up to myself in my mid-thirties. Now I don't remember the last time I got carded. One of the first times I ventured from my home with my new young ward, Brandon, I was asked A COUPLE OF TIMES if he were my grandson. I mean, sure, it's biologically possible, but still.
I'm turning 44. I mean, it's not like it's a milestone year or anything. But 30 and 40 didn't bother me. I think this is bothering me because I FEEL 44 years old. I'm prone to aches and pains, especially after unexpected exertion. I own a minivan.
What's really been stinging me lately is that (in my perception, at least) age has been catching up with my appearance. Mind you, I like to think that I'm not vain nor overly concerned with my appearance. I don't wear make-up or style my hair, and I certainly can't be accused of having a sense of style. Or if I did, it would be the Frumpy Thrift look. Oversized is my size.
The problem is that I could be that way since I was blessed with naturally decent looks. Not drop dead gorgeous, but I didn't have to work hard to cover flaws. I'd like to think I was the girl about whom people said "She's so pretty, if only she'd...(wear some make-up, dress better, etc.). I could turn it on if I wanted to. I like to think I could turn some heads. Couple that with my rapier wit and my sparkling personality and look out!
I'm not so sure that's the case anymore. Time is not gentle, although, again, genetics have been kind. I'm not to prone wrinkles and lines although I don't think all those sunburns as a kid did me any favors. My hair is enough of a dirty blonde that I can call my gray my "highlights." And gravity certainly pulls things southwards.
To quote Lou Berryman in "Classified Rag" -- "I'm a gal, 44, doesn't have it anymore..." The actual lyric says 34, but that's in my rear-view mirror. I feel like I've lost It. I'm feeling past my prime.
On the up side I'm married to someone who will forever find me beautiful, for which I thank the heavens. So it really shouldn't bother me, right? But it does. Beauty is a sort of power. Without it I find I'm fading further into the background, and I'm a hog-the-spotlight kind of person.
The recent haircut has helped a lot. (No artificial colors or weird cosmetic procedures for me.) And anytime I'm tempted to bemoan the march of time I just remind myself...it beats the alternative.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tales From the Domestic Front
Whatever I do, I want to do it well. Maybe that's why I never really made it as a stay-at-home mom.
It is a high calling, an art, even. I am in awe when I see an expert. I used to have an across-the-street neighbor who had 4 children of her own and did in-home daycare at her house. Granted her 3 sons were older kids when I came into the picture, but she could still take 4 children under the age of 4 to the mall - CALMLY!! Her house was always presentable and the kitchen always clean, floor mopped. She cooked and baked from scratch, even made her own noodles for pete's sake! She even had pretty, well-kept flowerbeds.
I've thought of her often lately as I've been venturing back into the child-care world with a four month old. It's wearing me out! I use it as my excuse for why my lawn needs mowing, my laundry needs putting away, and my house is an explosion of stuff covering every horizontal surface. But truth be told it was that way before Brandon came along. It's just more so now. Just how do other women (and men) do this?
I think it has a lot to do with how much one values the role of homemaker and thus how much effort one is willing to invest. I'll do my post-feminist commentary on this later. The native (Brandon) is restless and I think I've exhausted my supply of personal time for the day. At least the dishes are caught up and the chocolate chip cookie bars are in the oven.
Ta-ta for now!!
It is a high calling, an art, even. I am in awe when I see an expert. I used to have an across-the-street neighbor who had 4 children of her own and did in-home daycare at her house. Granted her 3 sons were older kids when I came into the picture, but she could still take 4 children under the age of 4 to the mall - CALMLY!! Her house was always presentable and the kitchen always clean, floor mopped. She cooked and baked from scratch, even made her own noodles for pete's sake! She even had pretty, well-kept flowerbeds.
I've thought of her often lately as I've been venturing back into the child-care world with a four month old. It's wearing me out! I use it as my excuse for why my lawn needs mowing, my laundry needs putting away, and my house is an explosion of stuff covering every horizontal surface. But truth be told it was that way before Brandon came along. It's just more so now. Just how do other women (and men) do this?
I think it has a lot to do with how much one values the role of homemaker and thus how much effort one is willing to invest. I'll do my post-feminist commentary on this later. The native (Brandon) is restless and I think I've exhausted my supply of personal time for the day. At least the dishes are caught up and the chocolate chip cookie bars are in the oven.
Ta-ta for now!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Enter Brandon
I just finished reading my last post and I must question its accuracy since it makes me sound much more purposeful than I really am. Have you ever watched a butterfly or moth fly? They loop and wander but overall move forward towards their goal. They are probably more direct than I am.
Which is to say, Carla, if you happen to read this it's not like I was charging along towards a brighter future and I hit a wall. More like I had a vague concept and then availability coincided with need.
I said last post that it all came down to money. Alas, isn't it always at the root? I've never been entirely comfortable without an income of my own, and that has kept me in a few jobs I really shouldn't have stayed in. I don't even need to earn a lot of money, but something of my own I can spend or have to assist with the next car repair/household need which is always lurking just around the corner. Facing the prospect of no more regular paychecks, I put out the word that I was at a loose end.
That is how Brandon entered the picture. My bowling buddy Carla had a beautiful baby boy, her husband was struggling with the after effects of back surgery, and she had to return to work. She needed a sitter and I needed a purpose.
And I thought doing dishes was hard work! It occurs to me now that I was not home with my own children full-time when they were this age (3 1/2 months when we started, now he's 4 months old). I was the working mom. I feel this may be a bit of a Karmic payback.
I had forgotten how all-consuming they are at this age. At times it feels like an endless cycle of feedings, burpings, and diapers. LOTS of walking and bouncing. He's still learning to use his hands so even playing with a toy by himself is a struggle, although improving every day. It's been difficult to keep up with the ol' blog since babies have radar that tell them when their caregiver is paying attention to something else, even if they've been content up to that point. In the evening I'M JUST TOO DARNED TIRED. I feel old.
Oh yeah. Did I mention that he arrives at 7:30 in the morning and stays till 5:30 at night?
On the plus side, he is really cute. Especially in the morning when he looks up at me with his little round face and big bright eyes and has one of his happiness spasms. He doesn't just smile, he glows. I've had the pleasure of taking his to the nursing home a few times, and discussed with my neighbor how he should be licensed as a therapy baby.
Am I making a u-turn? I don't know. I tell myself I'm still going to pursue the school route - don't lots of single moms with little babies do that?
Talk to you next naptime!
Which is to say, Carla, if you happen to read this it's not like I was charging along towards a brighter future and I hit a wall. More like I had a vague concept and then availability coincided with need.
I said last post that it all came down to money. Alas, isn't it always at the root? I've never been entirely comfortable without an income of my own, and that has kept me in a few jobs I really shouldn't have stayed in. I don't even need to earn a lot of money, but something of my own I can spend or have to assist with the next car repair/household need which is always lurking just around the corner. Facing the prospect of no more regular paychecks, I put out the word that I was at a loose end.
That is how Brandon entered the picture. My bowling buddy Carla had a beautiful baby boy, her husband was struggling with the after effects of back surgery, and she had to return to work. She needed a sitter and I needed a purpose.
And I thought doing dishes was hard work! It occurs to me now that I was not home with my own children full-time when they were this age (3 1/2 months when we started, now he's 4 months old). I was the working mom. I feel this may be a bit of a Karmic payback.
I had forgotten how all-consuming they are at this age. At times it feels like an endless cycle of feedings, burpings, and diapers. LOTS of walking and bouncing. He's still learning to use his hands so even playing with a toy by himself is a struggle, although improving every day. It's been difficult to keep up with the ol' blog since babies have radar that tell them when their caregiver is paying attention to something else, even if they've been content up to that point. In the evening I'M JUST TOO DARNED TIRED. I feel old.
Oh yeah. Did I mention that he arrives at 7:30 in the morning and stays till 5:30 at night?
On the plus side, he is really cute. Especially in the morning when he looks up at me with his little round face and big bright eyes and has one of his happiness spasms. He doesn't just smile, he glows. I've had the pleasure of taking his to the nursing home a few times, and discussed with my neighbor how he should be licensed as a therapy baby.
Am I making a u-turn? I don't know. I tell myself I'm still going to pursue the school route - don't lots of single moms with little babies do that?
Talk to you next naptime!
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