Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm having a depressive episode. That's the thing. About 90% of the time I'm fine. All it takes is one good trigger and I fall into the hole, and climbing out again is a process.

Gee, what could have set me off? Could it be the interpersonal psychodrama that managed to tweak several of my issues such as weak bounderies? Shifting hormones? Anne Lamott wrote about the difficulties of having an adolescent son with a menopausal mother. Little did she know that the combination of TWO adolescent daughters and a perimenopausal mother is positively NUCLEAR.

I was trying to imagine how to describe this feeling. The best image I could come up with was that it's like living underwater. Every action and movement feels like it's up against extra resistance. For the most part I feel like I manage OK, and you'd probably have to know me pretty well (like my kids, for instance) to spot that something's wrong. I may look functional on the outside, but it saps all my energy.

On the inside it's a much uglier story. Critical Voice appears to tell me how unaccomplished and messed-up I am, which, of course, I'm probably transmitting to my kids.  The inner child starts howling for love and attention.  The filter in my brain malfunctions and seems to screen out the positive, giving a negative spin to whatever is happening. It ain't pretty in there.

Oh yeah.  I also do things like start new blog postings A MONTH AGO and then leave them to sit.  Unpublished.  After all, what do I have to say of any interest to anybody?

I'm working hard to bounce back.  Softball season just ended and vacation has begun.  A change of scenery may do the trick.  I think the boo-boo has scabbed over, just waiting for the new skin to itch.