Life is Change...How it Differs From the Rocks...

("Crown of Creation" by The Jefferson Airplane.)

I hate change.

Actually, it would be more true to say that I hate times of transition more than the actual change.  Once I'm used to it, different is good.  It's the getting there that I don't like.

But, as The Airplane so smartly pointed out, life is but a series of transitions and changes.  Some are so incremental they take years to notice. Some happen at precise moments and life is never the same again.  There are a few I would consider pretty earth-shifting:  graduating high school/leaving home, getting married, losing a parent (thanks be to God I haven't personally faced that one yet), AND (drum roll, please) your CHILD graduating high school/leaving home.

As most of you know we just sent our firstborn off to college, to the big city of Chicago no less.  Lots of people ask how I'm doing.  The short answer is quite well, actually, but there is a complicated tangle of feelings that goes along with that.

Am I sad?  Sort of.  It's not an acute mourning, but more of a dull ache in the general thoracic region.  I'm really pretty OK with the fact that my baby has grown up.  Right before she left we watched some home movies of her toddler years and not once did I wish to be back there.  I've always loved her just the way she is.  And I'm looking forward to getting to know the person she will become.

Am I anxious?  YES!  Those who knew me during my college years know that I was pretty much a big ball of stupid prone to making really bad life decisions.  My daughter, however, inherited her father's good sense and natural caution.  She will be fine.  Seeing the wonderful opportunities ahead of her makes me wish for a do-over.

Mostly, though, I'm incredibly proud and excited for her.  I'm proud that she struck out on her own.  She faced one of her biggest fears and went for it.  And the school and neighborhood and all the people we met all seemed like a perfect fit for her.  I believe that she will be happy.  And even if, for some reason, it doesn't work out and she lands closer to home, she tried, and she can always feel good about that.  But I think she's going to thrive.

I'm also acutely aware of the fact that once I left for college I never came home, in a way.  Oh there were holidays and breaks, but the BEST thing that happened in college was meeting Tom my senior year.  I had a job right out of college and I stayed and got married.  Who knows what the future will hold?

Meanwhile, I'm still wandering the shifting sands of transition.  To add to the poignancy, Brandon started pre-school the same week Amelia left.  I need to develop a whole new routine.

Which always leads me back to the "What am I going to do when I grow up" question.  {sigh}

I only feel an ache, at this point, during moments that normally include the whole family.  But it's a good ache.

It would be far more depressing if she opted to live in my basement the rest of her life.

And how are you?