(I wrote the first draft of this post in September of last year, I believe. At that time the eldest was just starting her senior year at college and the younger was just leaving for her first year. Since that time the eldest has graduated and the youngest has successfully completed her first year away. I'm glad I left this piece to marinate awhile. My feelings have grown so much bigger and richer.)
I think I'm ready to answer the question.
When the eldest daughter left for college it was certainly an adjustment, but I felt so proud of her for striking out on her own that it offset much of the sadness. She was in a different city, different state, but I knew she had family nearby. And even though she was in the big city (Chicago) her campus seemed like a sheltered oasis. I had little anxiety on her behalf and I still had her sister at home to keep me occupied.
I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel making that drive to Chicago to deliver the younger sister to a different school in a different part of the city. I sensed it would be momentous somehow, but I didn't know how I'd react. Would I cry?
The drive out was a good diversion. I tore part of the heat shield off the bottom of my car when I hit a piece of truck tire in the road, so that provided excitement. Then we listened to Beyoncé's latest album in the car while we were driving and I can honestly say I now know more about her personal life with Jay Z then I ever wanted to. And we capped the day with a lovely visit with my dearest cousin and her awesome family, so it was all good. The harder part was the next day.
But here's the thing, I felt remarkably OK. Tom met us at the dorm and we actually found places to park. (A good omen in Chicago!) It only took a couple of trips, maybe 3, to get all our daughter's stuff to her room. As we were hauling the first load, Tom turned to me and said something along the lines of how some people might say that our job as parents was over now. He left to return to Ohio, I was staying overnight to make sure Miriam was settled. Still good.
Once we'd arrived at the dorm Miriam's concentration turned to meeting the roommates and getting her space set-up. Tom had left and I was sitting in the corner trying to stay out of Miriam's way when I noticed a feeling, a rising tide of a sort of panic. When I left Chicago this time to return home I'd be leaving without her. I would be leaving her in the city. Granted, she'd still have family nearby, especially her sister, but her campus was less self-contained and much more urban than her sister's had been. Less reassuring for a mother. It was the closest I came to freaking out. I don't think it was even big enough for Miriam to have noticed.
Finally it was my turn to drive away. Sometimes I think I react to things in slow motion. It takes me awhile to process my emotions because I have to think through what just happened and how I'm feeling about it. As I left I was perfectly calm, but had that "something big just happened" feeling.
What, you may be asking yourself by now, does this have to do with Phish?
I was a relative late-comer to The Grateful Dead party, but I sorta came in on the ground floor with Phish. I spent one semester as a temporary night supervisor of The Student Union at Oberlin College, which meant overseeing Dionysus ("The 'Sco" to any self-respecting Obie), the dance club/concert venue on campus. Phish was one of the concerts that semester and I swear it was one of the last of the small shows they ever played. I've only ever seen them in arenas and outdoor pavilions since. But back then I had to tell them they couldn't keep their dog in the lounge we were using as a green room. I mean, I ACTUALLY TALKED TO THE BAND. I TOLD TREY ANASTASIO AND MIKE GORDON THAT THEY HAD TO TAKE THEIR DOG BACK OUT TO THEIR VAN. So I've always felt something of a bond with them.
As legendary storyteller Ron Thomason from The Dry Branch Fire Squad bluegrass band would say, "Told you that to tell you this..."
So I really love their music and because we are in the same age cohort I always feel I can relate to their lyrics (strange though they can be) because we are products of the same zeitgeist. We are going through the same life passages. When I first heard the song "Joy" from their album "Joy" I thought "hey, I bet Trey [lead singer, frequent songwriter] has a teenaged daughter" because the lyrics spoke to me about what I was going through with mine. (We want you to be happy/ don't live inside the gloom/ we want you to be happy/ come step outside your room...)
Turns out he'd actually written it about his late sister's struggle with cancer. Oh well.
So let me set the scene: I'm getting a late start leaving Chicago to drive home. I'm in a strange frame of mind. My eldest is a college senior this year so who knows what's coming next? My youngest is striking out on her own and isn't looking back. I'd lost my job not long before that and now was faced with the prospect of no longer being able to hide behind the "stay-at-home-mom" excuse. Who knew what was ahead for any of us?
Then I heard The Song.
When Phish releases a new album I generally listen to it over and over until I've practically absorbed it through my pores. Different songs or lyrics will grab me depending on my mood. So I'm driving along, feeling pensive, and suddenly the words coming out of the speakers are a sonic hug, speaking to my condition.
Steal away, let's steal a car
Ok. Not those ones so much.
You'll never win a major only shooting par
Step outside, feel the sun
It's only you; be you, 'cause you're the only one
And it feels good, 'cause it feels good...
Yes. Oh yes.
All three of us were facing major transitions regarding what we wanted to do with our lives and who we wanted to be.
Nothing lasts, nothing stays
We're caught in this procession of unchanging days
What's new is old, what's old is gone
You're pushed up to the edge, so put your wingsuit on
Put your wingsuit on
(and it feels good)
I could see it in my mind's eye - the three of us standing on a precipice, holding hands, preparing to launch into our futures.
And gliding away, you fly where you choose
There's nothing to say
And nothing to lose
TO MY BELOVED AMELIA: You've always been the cautious one. This past academic year FLEW by and you reached another edge. But you put your wingsuit on and you flew! I can't tell you how proud I am. I wish I could tell you that it will never be hard. I wish I could tell you that nothing will go wrong. But I know you can do this, and, even better to me, YOU know you can do this. You are already a success because you are setting out on your own and trying to follow your dream.
TO MY DARLING MIRIAM: Fearless and headstrong, the one I've sometimes wanted to slow down a little. I wanted you to put your wingsuit on, but also make sure you'd read the directions carefully and understood how to assemble and use it before taking off. I need not have worried. It was your turn to launch and you've nailed it, displaying a level of independence and maturity I only wish I'd had at your age.
Steal away, paint the sky...
As for me, I feel I've been doing a pretty good job of moving on. This empty nest thing isn't so horrible. I can wear what I want to around the house. I like having the freedom to put nuts in my brownies or cook beef for dinner. And I've come to realize that my expectations have changed more than my actual daily life. Between school, work, softball, and her friends, Miriam wasn't home a lot during her last year in high school. So in many ways the only difference now is that I can while away an afternoon without thinking about who needs picked up when and delivered to where.
My time is back to being my own now. I don't necessarily know where I'm heading and what I'm gonna do with it, but I'm enjoying the glide. I feel like I've already accomplished something big.
We're all gonna be all right.
Time to put your wingsuit on
Time to put your wingsuit on
Time to put your wingsuit on...
("Wingsuit" from the album "Fuego". Song written by Anastasio/Fishman/Gordon/McConnell. Published by Who Is She? Music, Inc. (BMI). Yeah, like this will keep me from getting sued for copyright infringement.)
And how are you?
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