Hosanna, Lord; My Pre-Christmas Letter

Oh, man.  Here we go again.  Or as Joni Mitchell so famously put it, "It's coming' on Christmas, they're cuttin' down trees...".  It's that time of year.  We've passed Thanksgiving, it's Advent at church.  Time to get my holiday on!

Only I'm so not feeling it.

It's not that I feel hostility towards the whole Christmas thing, it's more of a detached indifference.  I see the decorations going up around me but it doesn't occur to me that maybe I should be getting ready, too.  And there's plenty to do, believe me.  But I have a bad case of Holiday-Spirit Block.

I have a vague recollection of thinking that I wasn't going to miss 2013, that 2014 had to be better.  Only it wasn't, really.  And lately I feel God has really been throwing kidney punches at people I know and love.  Friends and family alike.  Against a backdrop of civil and international unrest.

But it's the personal pain that's getting to me the most.  It seems just about everyone I know is going through a dark time.  Maybe it's a season of life thing.  Growing up and launching ourselves into the world was such a heady time.  We celebrated each other's accomplishments, rejoiced in the finding of true love, welcomed the arrivals of new life into our families.  But now we've gone through all those positives and the news is now sadder.  Now we commiserate over untimely losses, failing health, broken relationships, financial reversals.  There will be joy again in grandchildren, successful retirements, and making peace with our lives, but right now it seems to be all about the sorrow.  And there is plenty of that to go around right now.  So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit down.

But here's the thing.  If I sit back and look at my immediate day-to-day life it's not too bad at all.  I grouse about my house but feel blessed to have a home.  My children are healthy, relatively happy, and surviving college quite well.  I'm married to a guy who loves me and always has my back.  I'm enjoying my new job, mostly.  I should be able to focus on the positive and just forge ahead.  But I've had a revelation.  That's not me.

It's hard for me to be happy when others are unhappy.  In psychobabble terms that would probably be called having weak boundaries.  But it's who I am.  I would be the aid worker who would feel too guilty to eat in a famine zone.  I know and am related to people who are facing really tough stuff right now.  Life-threatening illness.  Sudden and unexpected passing.  The indignities and sorrows of watching a loved one slowly decline.  For the sake of brevity and privacy I'm not going to name you all.  But if you are in my social sphere and know that you're going through it, I want you to know that I care.  Very much.  And I wish I knew what I could do to help things feel better.

So I've made what is, for me, a radical decision.  I'm going to give myself permission to feel joy.

It feels a little wrong, like I'm ignoring what my loved ones are going through.  But I've come to realize that the opposite of joy is despair, and despair is a paralyzing agent.  Despair makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  Despair is the little voice that says don't even try calling my friend because nothing I can say can make it any better.  Despair says don't bother.  Too much is out of my control and I can't change it.

Our secular version of Christmas makes it one big party from Halloween through January 2nd.  I'm coming to appreciate the liturgical church point of view more and more.  The season of Advent is not about the party.  It's about preparing, watching and waiting for the Christmas party.  My preparation this year is going to be finding and allowing joy.  Joy energizes.  It cares.  It shows someone in darkness that there is light.  I can't fix the problems but I can look someone in the eye and give them a genuine smile, and for that moment that person feels better.  But I can't share it unless I have it.

After tonight I'm going to take a deep breath and dive in.  Time to make the Christmas cards!  Write the letter!  Shop for the adopt-a-family!  Make cookie dough!  Break out the eggnog and start watching cheesy Christmas specials.  I will only do for the holiday what I will enjoy and I will enjoy it all.  

In my heart I will be saying hosanna.  (Were you wondering about the title yet?)During Lent last year I learned that the original meaning of the word was not a cry of joy, but a petition, a cry for help.  The Hebrew hoshana refers to rescue or saving.  It's become my favorite prayer.  Hosanna, Lord, hosanna.  Be with those who are in pain and darkness.  I am not helpless.  I can perform a small act of kindness.  I can make my small voice heard speaking truth to power, even if it's just an e-mail to an elected official.  I can reach out to the loved one who is unhappy.  And when it all gets too overwhelming, I can say hosanna.  Lord, please come and help.

OK.  Onward and upward.  Those Christmas cards aren't gonna make themselves!