And Now Back to ME

I got a letter yesterday from my therapist saying that she's retiring as of the end of May.

Now this is not someone I've seen for at least a year, maybe even two. But I remember learning about a psychology study in which it was shown that subjects could withstand an unpleasant stimulus longer and with less stress if they had a button they could push to end the stimulus. Even if the button didn't actually work and even if they didn't use it. Just knowing it was there helped.

I have two trains of thought here.

One: I'm coming clean. Yup, as Miriam chirped to me one day, "Mom, you have a mental illness." The official diagnosis is major depression, recurrent. I do take a selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor daily. You know, it's really not such a big deal. My kids know that I take happy pills and that no one wants to be around me if I don't. I kinda fold back into myself and am not alot of fun to be around, but that doesn't happen all that often. Otherwise it doesn't really register on my radar except for my tendency to question whether I'm being rational or not.

The second is that God certainly does work in funny ways. First I get this job and I think I'm all set. Then I lose said job. So I decide it must be time to get that Masters in Social Work I've considered for awhile. Only I find the program just as the application deadline is passing. I recently found out that I've apparently gone through a complete and very early menopause (sorry, TMI) so solving my life's purpose by having another baby isn't an option. (Not that it ever was, and I mean that. I have, however, known women who have exercised that option.)

I'm in the midst of figuring out what to do with the next chapter in my life, I'm not certain I'm thinking straight, I've recently experienced a massive hormonal upheaval, and I'd been thinking maybe it was time for me to check back in with the therapist for a little mental health tune-up. ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT SHE'S RETIRING.

Is there some message I should be getting from all this? Heavy sigh. Maybe it's time for me to grow up and take control of my life? And not settle for kitchen work? And that I can plow through this on my own?

Maybe I should just get a referral.

And how are you?