Sorry to be so about me. I'm prone to introspection. This is a very "me"-oriented post, but I would love feedback on this. (Slow conversation, remember?)
If I had to pick one adjective for myself, I think it would be "ambivalent." I honestly don't know how I feel about certain things, even though I have very strong opinions in general. Don't get me started on Chris Brown and Rhianna, for example, or gay rights, or even where the best place to grocery shop is. I wouldn't hesitate to give you advice about your life (if you asked). The problem is I don't even know where to begin in advising me about mine.
Let's take the Home Sweet Home experience as an example (since, hey, it's only pretty much all I've been writing about, right?). On one hand I re-read that stuff and think "Hey, I'm really a brave person of ethics and principle." Just when I'm ready to don my blue tights and paint the red S on my chest I think "Or maybe I just have a horrible personality disorder that makes me unable to deal with authority." It is a very fine line between genius and madness, after all.
I have a voice in my head (not literally) that tells me that I'm really a smart person who is wasting her talents. I'm capable of so much more than what I'm doing, and I want to leave my mark on the world. I should at LEAST be pursuing a Master's in Social Work, perhaps establishing myself as an authority on geriatric quality of life issues.
On the other hand I've been told I have my own singular definition of success. It's always been important for me to feel good about what I do, and letters after my name and money shouldn't matter. I can minister to my own little corner of the world and that's just as worthwhile. I am not defined by whatever job I have (or don't have), and I shouldn't tie my sense of self-worth to visible accomplishments. Plus the fact that accomplishing stuff takes a lot of energy, and while I seem to have ambition I also lack drive.
Is it an oxymoron to be an ambitious slacker?
I'm also conflicted about my relationship with Home Sweet Home. I'd been dropping by a couple of times a week to visit my residents and pitch in around the dining room for various reasons. One was to show the head administrator, Jackie, that she wasn't rid of me yet. It also helped me keep abreast of what was going on in the kitchen and how procedures were changing just in case I did get called in to work. But I also felt I owed it to the residents. As I mentioned much earlier, this is a population that is easy to please. Just smiling at them and talking with them goes a long way. I know it's hard for them when staff people pop in and out of their lives.
The last time I was there was a week and a half ago. I hated seeing how the dining program has deteriorated from what I think it should be. The staff person is, in one case, too disorganized to get things set up so the residents are lined up in the hallway waiting to get in. The tables are sloppy and they don't get their water, or coffee, or tea in a timely fashion if at all. Or if it's an efficient hostess things will be set up, but the hostess is too busy to really pay attention to the residents' wants. It's very depersonalizing.
When I showed up it was generally at meal time. I figured I could hang out in the dining room and make certain that people got their clothing protectors, their coffee, or anything else they requested. The last time I did that the staff person, Ethel, was having great difficulty getting things ready. I tried to jump in and get people settled. One resident, Gloria, really wanted her coffee so I grabbed her cup to get her some. Ethel snapped at me that it was rude to do that for one person and not offer it to everybody. I calmly asked for the coffee pot and proceded to do just that. But Ethel had been so hostile that even Gloria commented on it. I also had gotten into the habit of adding people's sugar and creamer for them since some people have difficulty due to confusion or hand tremor. Ethel then snapped at me for not encouraging the residents to do for themselves what they could.
Ethel's comments shouldn't have hurt as much as they did. For one thing, I know that's just the way she is, especially when she's feeling threatened. In fact, I used to tell new hires to expect Ethel to yell at them. It's just what she does. But it crystallized for me my status as interloper. This was no longer my job, these people were no longer my responsibility. My being there made the hostess' job harder because I was constantly pointing out what needed done or relaying requests from the residents. I'm not so sure I'd want me there, either.
I also grew afraid that I was seriously over-estimating my own importance. The residents had a life before I was there and life goes on now that I'm gone. Maybe they don't need me as much as I thought they did.
Being away has been helpful for me. It's made it much clearer to me that I don't wish to return to that job. I've noticed that if I need things to do there are PLENTY of things to do around the house! Perhaps it's time to move on, start a new chapter.
But how is hanging out on Facebook and blogging going to help the world? Am I just being lazy?
"Darling you've got to let me know...should I stay or should I go?"
Am I living a bold, alternative life of being contented with what I have and what I'm doing or is that just an excuse for underachieving?
The world may never know. I just wish that I did.
I'll say more later, but for now, being at work and all, I'll just point out that Superman's S was probably sewn on, rather than painted. : )
ReplyDeleteYes, this:
ReplyDeleteIt's always been important for me to feel good about what I do, and letters after my name and money shouldn't matter. I can minister to my own little corner of the world and that's just as worthwhile. I am not defined by whatever job I have (or don't have), and I shouldn't tie my sense of self-worth to visible accomplishments.
Success in minimizing the stress in your life depends partly on knowing what your real obligations are. You have obligations to yourself, and to friends and family, and to humanity in general (e.g., to respect people's rights), but unless you signed a contract when you were born, you have no obligation to "make something of yourself," as defined in terms of accomplishments viewed as ambitious by society at large.
Historically, my career difficulties have all stemmed from my lack of ambition. Everyone says I'd make a great tenure-track professor, but I don't want to become a full-time administrator/grant writer. I'd much rather stay on the front lines of science, running analyses and helping out the grad students, and maybe teach a class now and then.
You can certainly be an ambitious slacker. It all depends on how much of yourself you're willing to invest in it. A friend of mine, many years ago, passed through a phase when he could have made a career out of watching TV. He so clearly enjoyed it, and he was really good at it. No casual watching for him, no glancing at the tube while folding laundry or anything like that: he'd make elaborate preparations for his evening of television, and he'd invest every fiber of his being into gazing at the pretty moving pictures. But after a year or so of this he found a girlfriend and dropped his TV habit like a live grenade. In his case, I considered the change a positive one.