I Am a Rock

Recently a friend broke-up with me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  We really hadn't hung out together for quite awhile.  But back in the day we were tight.  I've always believed God sends you the people you need when you need them, and this was no exception.  I was leaving the world of full-time employment and beginning my adventures in domesticity.  She was new to town, also at home, and our daughters were in preschool together.  We shared coffee, wine, and good conversation. 

I should have seen the warning signs.  We had some philosophical differences, but we were pretty open about discussing them.  Our daughters started out as good friends, but they were pretty different from each other.  I also was not particularly close with her other dear friends.

Our lives diverged as lives do.  She was homeschooling, which kept her busy, and our paths crossed less often.  I didn't think too much of it.  We still chatted when we encountered each other but didn't carve out time to get together.

Not long ago we ran into each other at a yard sale and started catching up with each other.  We've always had a certain cosmic similarity, and it turns out that we were both interested in the same graduate school program.  We could be school buddies!

Turns out she had started working at the same place Brandon, my current charge and life project, attends preschool.  One day I was picking him up and encountered my old friend.  I told her I really wanted to get together.  I pictured one of our traditional gabfests, catching up on what we'd been doing for the past few years, making plans to get through school together.  Maybe this was just the boost I needed to get out of my current rut and get my life in gear.   As we were making a plan and preparing to part, she mentioned that she also felt the need to explain why she had felt the need to put some space between us.

Wait.  What?

Our estrangement had been purposeful on her part.  I was blind-sided.

Most of our communication on this topic has been via the gift of e-mail, which from my point of view has been something of a blessing.  It gives me time to measure my responses and edit my words, which apparently is what got me in trouble in the first place.  As mentioned before, we did have some sizable philosophical differences, and at some point I apparently was disrespectful enough to hurt her.  Enough that she felt the need to back away from me.

This is doing a bit of a number on my head.  Oddly enough, I generally consider myself to be pathologically nice.  I do, however, have strong opinions, and, when pushed, will be brutally honest about how I feel about something.  My favored strategy is cutting humor.  I guess I cut too deep.

This is not happening at a good time.  One problem with childcare as a life calling is that it is pretty isolating.  Working from home means no co-workers or general public to interact with.  My social circle, such as it is, largely consists of other parents with small children and if you've ever tried to socialize with toddlers in the room you'd know it's not easy.  Plus, I'm no longer the parent of a toddler.  At the end of the day I'd like the chance to mingle with people of my own age who are also preparing to embark on the next phase of life once the children are grown. 

So far I seem to be 2 for 2 in wrecking such relationships.  (See "Looking Up to Reach Down" for the other unhappy saga.)

I've apologized.  I've offered my olive branch.  I've proposed getting together again to hash this all out but a plan hasn't come together for that and I think I'm done trying.  I may have been insensitive and/or intolerant, but I didn't cut anyone out of my life for disagreeing with me.

The situation is made worse by living in a small town.  As I already said, I have to go to her place of work to pick Brandon up from school. I find myself scanning the crowd and hanging my head when I walk in to avoid possible encounters.  I was at the high school play last night, which her daughter was in, and again felt in defensive mode in case she was there.  She wasn't.  But to rub salt in the wound there were two other people there I used to hang out with and I COULDN'T GET OUT FAST ENOUGH.

Really?  Am I that hard to get along with?  Now I feel a little paranoid about everyone I've fallen out of touch with.  Did I offend you?  Am I more trouble than I'm worth?

I once suggested that Hallmark make a card for this.  A little something that simply says "I valued our time together, I'm sorry it didn't work out."

Meantime I think I'll take a page from Simon and Garfunkel.  I am a rock.  I am an island.